I recently to some time off of SecondlifeL and went into the scary unknown of real life. I needed some time away from Secondlife. For many reasons, one of the reasons means the world to me and things just haven’t been A1A for quite sometime. I almost didn’t return to Secondlife. If it had not have been for my Secondlife daughter, Cassi I prolly would have stayed offline.
Relationships with people all have their quakes, no matter how perfect you claim your friendships or relationships are there will always be some form of a quake. Sometimes human nature itself is survival of the fittest. When people interact with other people and create a relationship regardless of a friendship or a human interest involving the rules and laws of opposites attraction there will always be some form of charging current there to ignite the spark of difference between the parties. This period has given me time to think about many things….Current relationship which we will get to and a passed relationship that was a dangerous relationship, not only dangerous to me but my Immediate family as well.
I’m going to talk about things that I’ve not spoken of in nearly 10 years. I’ve used my knowledge to speak to others regarding abuse but never really told my story. Have a seat, grab a drink & tissues. Let’s begin shall we?
When I was in my middle 20’s I was married, thought I had married the man of my dreams…Like all girls high on the allure of their nuptial bliss. Once the screaming phase starts to slow it’s self you can then peer into your new life and your new love as a whole…The twosome because a one. Unlike most, I had made a terrible mistake. The man I chose to marry was not of that cut from a night in shining armors cloth, he was nothing short of a man who was cut from a tyrants cloth.
The dreaded “I DO’s”…..
Once the “I DO’s” were said, rings exchanged and Last name had been taken…This blissful union was anything but blissful. The man who stood before the alter vowing to love, protect and honor thy wife was anything but honorable.
The family seen no problems with their owns treatment of his wife, in fact if nothing else they approved.
Allow me back story into my former husbands life prior to our wedding……
My former husband at the lasting years of his teens was first convicted of a burglary with an Assault weapon. Like all young and dumb teens, we do something foolish. Some more foolish than others…His hit the dumb-ass meter.
I guess when your growing up if your subjected to Criminals, Druggies and Alcoholic’s it doesn’t leave much for inspiration while growing up because your raised seeing only negative and nothing of a positive nature, at least in his case he chose the wrong side of the law before he was even 20 years old. Spending most of his young adult life in and out of prison for stupid crimes…burglary of less than $500.00, aggravated burglary with a weapon, aggravated battery, aggravated assult with intent of bodily harm, aggravated battery with an assult weapon….He had a Caution File on record with the local Police department…you get the picture. None of this was known to me until AFTER I married him. This was all kept hush, hush by him and his family. How I learned was he more or less had to tell me because he had to make arrangements for his parole office to have access to my home and my phone number for monthly visits…I said wait, whaaat?! Thhis is the part where the color drains from your face….
Moving to your presence in the marriage….
Ok, so now that the shock has subsided you can move forward….Only because the lies that were told next was “it’s been when I was a teenager, I was stupid…I don’t do that anymore. Ok, so you accept it because you have no other way to know if it’s truth or lies. He’s not done anything YET to provoke the thought that he is a habitual liar.
So that blows over, you accept it and move on. Creeping into a slow and noticeable detail now, his family starts coming in and taking over. First it’s coming over ALL the time to have lunch or dinner. Your once quiet peaceful home is now filled with the family…His family…ALL the time, you have no privacy what so ever. Every move you now make is with his family and with them knowing EVERYTHING you do and EVERYONE you do it with. He refuses to work now because he can’t keep an eye on you and his family just don’t cover it enough for his liking so the money is now dissipating.Reminding you of the drug abuse and alcohol abuse mentioned prior. Yes, he didn’t fall short of using narcotics or alcohol, it was just kept under wraps where you didn’t know until it was too late. When money starts to dissipate this means bills are racking up and not being paid because his drug use and alcohol abuse is put to the front and the bills on a back-burner. As long as he is high life is right….For him. His family comes and goes. Every day at 8:00 AM on the dot, you better be up because you not only have to cater to him but his family will be there within 15 minutes, so that means Breakfast for ALL. You will be serving them lunch or they will go fix their own dirtying your dishes and leaving you the mess so you might as well plan ahead to just make lunch. Once again you’ll have to suck it up as they aren’t leaving until about 8:00 PM so you might as well plan dinner in there as well. Once they’ve been fed on your dime the will leave for that day, only to return the next and so on. Welcome to your new life! If you mention having your house to yourself you will be granted a big surprise….A violent fight.
Smile sunshine your not longer a person, one you’ve take a abusers name your their PROPERTY you have no Identity.
We’ll skip alot of the in between’s as you already knows how the daily life is not scheduled.
The marriage bed….
Sex between a loving couple is usually beautiful….Not in this case. Sex is your DUTY no matter how you feel. In my case I dreaded going to bed at night because I didn’t want to repeat that experience over and over and over again. Countless nights your forced to lie there while he does his thing, if you don’t go willingly he will force you and if you still are adamant about refusal you will be beaten. This one didn’t care if you participated or lied there as long as he got to do his thing but you don’t make a sound of disdane, humiliation or distaste, for if you do hes going to finish his job and show you how you will achieve bruises for not going along with him. Ok, we wont linger here…Moving along.
Daily life without his family….
Yes, it does happen occasionally but one thing, as long as his family is present the worst you will get is mental and verbal abuse because he wont look like the asshole he is in front of his family because he wants them to see him differently, he’s going to need a back up you know and his family is his best efforts besides who’d know him better than his family especially if hes ever accused of anything. You may get along for a little bit then all of a sudden “boom”. I went to see my grandmother one afternoon and I spent the night with her because my grandmother was my treasure. I didn’t think anything of spending the night with her randomly but low and behold the next day when I got home Mr. Jerk was drunk and I had a full glass of whiskey and soda thrown at me, if I had not ducked it would have hit me in the head….I didn’t escape that easily I still got my dues and called a cheating whore for being out with someone that I didn’t even see. He went out with his druggie buddies and I knew he’d be gone half the night so I met my mom and was talking to her, I moved wrong and my mom seen something and in the next few minutes the world stood still, the only movement was her and I. She pulled my sleeve up on my arm to reveal my arm being black and purple…Silence fell between us as she looked up and me and asked me “What the hell is that bastard doing to you?” I said nothing mom it’s my own fault I got drunk and was being stupid and fell against a wall and the door caught my arm. I recall it well. She didn’t believe me, I knew this but what could she do I wasn’t bearing information she needed to act. One time before I finally picked myself up off the floor and found the light of light he slapped me and chipped my front tooth, my front too has cosmetics done to it to look normal but it isn’t normal. that one was harder to lie and cover, I told my mom nah I fell going up stairs drunk. My mom knows I’m far from being a regular drinker and she knows how I act when I’m intoxicated.This went on for a few months, well, for all I could stand it.
The end draws near….
I made a few phone calls and sorted my options. I filed a report to build a case with WCC (Womens Crisis Center). For one full month I had to sneak out to go to “Women’s doctor appointments” so he wouldn’t want to go. I was safe because he didn’t want to go along while I was getting a pap test, a pelvic exam or the monthly monitor to ensure I was still within guidelines to take the Birth Control Shot. I just made sure what when I went and done these things I actually did have one of the following done that day just so I was seen at the clinic by some random asshat that would know him and say oh yeah I saw her at the office. Over the course of one month my file built it’s self to be the size of a hard back dictionary. The next step was throwing him out, I had to get him out of the house legally to forgo the next steps in the phase of operation get rid of the abuser. You HAVE to have will power, you HAVE to stay strong and the best defense you can have is family and friends who support you in the decision to save your own life. I got home and I seemed a little jittery yet “playful” usually I wasnt. I said I feel like having a few drinks tonight, why dont get go get some pizza, and stop off at the liquor store and pick up something and just have a cozy night at home and we’ll watch TV. He was all for that! I knew the night meant sex with him once again as always so it made it easier since I was intoxicated but it may have also helped knowing this was going to be the last of this ever. The night went well and oddly it was peaceful however the morning was not so pleasant, it was anything but. That morning he woke with a rage like no other. I came right out of bed like someone scared the daylight out of me. He was raging, by the time the aftermath settled my living room was COVERED in nothing but shattered glass, I sat in a pocket in the middle of the floor. A friend of mine came in and she was floored by what she saw. She grabbed my shoes threw them to me told me to get them on NOW. I put them on as she called the police. The police came and took photos of the damages, they also took me in the bedroom and a woman office photographed the bruises on my back, upper chest above my breasts and down my arms one focused on the clean grip marks left on my wrists. She then spoke with me about the WCC and asked me if I would consider speaking with a rep from there, I said I have a caseworker already and we were getting things organized to get him out of the residence. The officer said here is your opportunity and yes I jumped at the chance to take it. A week prior I had contacted an attourney and started proceedings and arrangements to apeal for a divorce. I was asked what grounds and I sought for extreme mental, verbal and physical cruelty. I then had to go obtain an order of protection on myself and frequient addresses I visited, my home, my parents house and my gramparents house. I had learned that he was still on parole as well, I knew he was sneaky I just didn’t know why until I learned he could still go back to prison. I found a cause and gave the effect…He was now a wanted man. Men like this run from the law, they think they are above the law so they run. It took about 2 months to catch him, after he was caught he was then served with an order of protection and arrested. About a month later when all the evidence was put into play on the plan he was then served divorce papers while in prison. I pushed and pushed, one of my friends who is involved in the legal system pushed to get the ball rolling, as long as he was in prison the divorce would be uncontested as he was considered a flight risk and wouldn’t be allowed to attend court for the divorce. he spent the next year and a half in prison while my divorce was finallized within a year of it being filed. Much to me relief I was finally free! The fall back was you have to maintain a OP (order of protection) from then on to protect yourself. My state doesnt acknowledge stalking rights and laws so I can’t appeal for stalking violations against my ex end-laws who still continue to harass me almost 10 years after.
Of course this has been Summerized to avoid repetitiveness, no one wants to read day by day blow by blow. It’s purpose to to give you a look into the world of a bettered woman. The gross details have been spared.
Getting out of an abusive or violent relationship isn’t easy. Maybe you’re still hoping that things will change or you’re afraid of what your partner will do if he discovers you’re trying to leave. Whatever your reasons, you probably feel trapped and helpless. But help is available. There are many resources available for abused and battered women, including crisis hotlines, shelters—even job training, legal services, and childcare. You deserve to live free of fear. Start by reaching out.
Why doesn’t she just leave? It’s the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is being battered and abused. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.
If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.
If you are being abused, remember:
You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
You deserve a safe and happy life.
Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.
Making the decision to leave
As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:
If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change… The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.
If you believe you can help your abuser… It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.
If your partner has promised to stop the abuse… When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.
If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers… Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man/woman you hope he/she will become.
If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave… You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.
Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:
He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
He continues to blame others for his behavior.
He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.
He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.
He tells you that you owe him another chance.
You have to push him to stay in treatment.
He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.
He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.
Help for abused and battered women: Safety planning
Whether or not you’re ready to leave your abuser, there are things you can do to protect yourself. These safety tips can make the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.
Prepare for emergencies
Know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.
Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.
Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and the police should be called.
Make an escape plan
Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).
Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.
Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.
If You Stay
If you decide at this time to stay with your abusive partner, there are some things you can try to make your situation better and to protect yourself and your children.
Contact the domestic violence/sexual assault program in your area. They can provide emotional support, peer counseling, safe emergency housing, information, and other services while you are in the relationship, as well as if you decide to leave.
Build as strong a support system as your partner will allow. Whenever possible, get involved with people and activities outside your home and encourage your children to do so.
Be kind to yourself! Develop a positive way of looking at yourself and talking to yourself. Use affirmations to counter the negative comments you get from the abuser. Allow yourself time for doing things you enjoy.
Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska
Help for abused and battered women: Protecting your privacy
You may be afraid to leave or ask for help out of fear that your partner will retaliate if he finds out. This is a legitimate concern. However, there are precautions you can take to stay safe and keep your abuser from finding out what you’re doing. When seeking help for domestic violence and abuse, it’s important to cover your tracks, especially when you’re using the phone or the computer.
Phone safety for abused and battered women
When seeking help for domestic violence, call from a public pay phone or another phone outside the house if possible. In the U.S., you can call 911 for free on most public phones, so know where the closest one is in case of emergency.
Avoid cordless telephones. If you’re calling from your home, use a corded phone if you have one, rather than a cordless phone or cell phone. A corded phone is more private, and less easy to tap.
Call collect or use a prepaid phone card. Remember that if you use your own home phone or telephone charge card, the phone numbers that you call will be listed on the monthly bill that is sent to your home. Even if you’ve already left by the time the bill arrives, your abuser may be able to track you down by the phone numbers you’ve called for help.
Check your cell phone settings. There are cell phone technologies your abuser can use to listen in on your calls or track your location. Your abuser can use your cell phone as a tracking device if it has GPS, is in “silent mode,” or is set to “auto answer.” So consider turning it off when not in use or leaving it behind when fleeing your abuser.
Get your own cell phone. Consider purchasing a prepaid cell phone or another cell phone that your abuser doesn’t know about. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cell phones to battered women. Call your local hotline to find out more.
Computer and Internet safety for abused and battered women
Abusers often monitor their partner’s activities, including their computer use. While there are ways to delete your Internet history, this can be a red flag to your partner that you’re trying to hide something, so be very careful. Furthermore, it is almost impossible to clear a computer of all evidence of the websites that you have visited, unless you know a lot about computers.
Use a safe computer. If you seek help online, you are safest if you use a computer outside of your home. You can use a computer at work, a friend’s house, the library, your local community center, or a domestic violence shelter or agency.
Be cautious with email and instant messaging. Email and instant messaging are not the safest way to get help for domestic violence. Be especially careful when sending email, as your abuser may know how to access your account. You may want to consider creating a new email account that your abuser doesn’t know about.
Change your user names and passwords. Create new usernames and passwords for your email, online banking, and other sensitive accounts. Even if you don’t think your abuser has your passwords, he may have guessed or used a spyware or keylogging program to get them. Choose passwords that your abuser can’t guess (avoid birthdays, nicknames, and other personal information).
Protecting yourself from GPS surveillance and recording devices
Your abuser doesn’t need to be tech savvy in order to use surveillance technology to monitor your movements and listen in on your conversations. Be aware that your abuser may be using hidden cameras, such as a “Nanny Cam,” or even a baby monitor to check in on you. Global Positioning System (GPS) devices are also cheap and easy to use. GPS devices can be hidden in your car, your purse, or other objects you carry with you. Your abuser can also use your car’s GPS system to see where you’ve been.
If you discover any tracking or recording devices, leave them be until you’re ready to leave. While it may be tempting to remove them or shut them off, this will alert your abuser that you’re on to him.
Help for abused and battered women: Domestic violence shelters
A domestic violence shelter or women’s shelter is a building or set of apartments where abused and battered women can go to seek refuge from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in order to keep your abuser from finding you.
Domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and their children. The shelter will provide for all your basic living needs, including food and childcare. The length of time you can stay at the shelter is limited, but most shelters will also help you find a permanent home, job, and other things you need to start a new life. The shelter should also be able to refer you to other services for abused and battered women in your community, including:
Services for your children
Protecting your privacy at a domestic violence shelter
If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women’s refuge, you do not have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked. While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house, giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you, particularly if you live in a small town.
Help for abused and battered women: Protecting yourself after you’ve left
Keeping yourself safe from your abuser is just as important after you’ve left as before. To protect yourself, you may need to relocate so your former partner can’t find you. If you have children, they may need to switch schools.
To keep your new location a secret:
Get an unlisted phone number.
Use a post office box rather than your home address.
Apply to your state’s address confidentiality program, a service that confidentially forwards your mail to your home.
Cancel your old bank accounts and credit cards, especially if you shared them with your abuser. When you open new accounts, be sure to use a different bank.
If you’re remaining in the same area, change up your routine. Take a new route to work, avoid places where your abuser might think to locate you, change any appointments he knows about, and find new places to shop and run errands. You should also keep a cell phone on you at all times and be ready to call 911 if you spot your former abuser.
You may want to consider getting a restraining order or protective order against your abusive partner. However, remember that the police can enforce a restraining order only if someone violates it, and then only if someone reports the violation. This means that you must be endangered in some way for the police to step in.
If you are the victim of stalking or abuse, you need to carefully research how restraining orders are enforced in your neighborhood. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if he will actually be taken to jail. If the police simply talk to the violator or give a citation, your abuser may reason that the police will do nothing and feel empowered to pursue you further. Or your abuser may become angry and retaliate.
Do not feel falsely secure with a restraining order!
You are not necessarily safe if you have a restraining order or protection order. The stalker or abuser may ignore it, and the police may do nothing to enforce it. To learn about restraining orders in your area of the U.S., call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or contact your state’s Domestic Violence Coalition.
Help for abused and battered women: Taking steps to heal and move on
The scars of domestic violence and abuse run deep. The trauma of what you’ve been through can stay with you long after you’ve escaped the abusive situation. Counseling, therapy, and support groups for domestic abuse survivors can help you process what you’ve been through and learn how to build new and healthy relationships.
After the trauma you’ve been through, you may be struggling with upsetting emotions, frightening memories, or a sense of constant danger that you just can’t kick. Or you may feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again. But treatment and support from family and friends can speed your recovery from emotional and psychological trauma. Whether the traumatic event happened years ago or yesterday, you can heal and move on.
Building healthy new relationships
After getting out of an abusive situation, you may be eager to jump into a new relationship and finally get the intimacy and support you’ve been missing. But it’s wise to go slow. Take the time to get to know yourself and to understand how you got into your previous abusive relationship. Without taking the time to heal and learn from the experience, you’re at risk of falling back into abuse.
Where to turn for help for domestic violence or abuse
In an emergency:
Call 911 or your country’s emergency service number if you need immediate assistance or have already been hurt.
Helplines for advice and support:
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).
For a safe place to stay:
In the US: visit Womenslaw.org for a state-by-state directory of domestic violence shelters in the U.S.
There are things you can do, you just need to stay strong and do it, do it for you, do it for your children, do it for life. Your children don’t need to grow up and learn this, as they grow and learn they will learn this is the way they should be treated or treat their partners. You are the example for them, if your not safe how are they going to grow up to be safe? Talk to someone, anyone who is not involved within your hell. Seeking help empowers you, empowers you to stand up against your abuser and say “I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE”. Take your life back, you deserve a healthy, happy and fruitful life. The best thing I ever did was take control of my own future and my life. I am always on guard and cautious but I’m not scared to live my life. I took my life back, so can you! I hope this has touched several peoples lives as much as it gives empowerment to ones who may need it, my purpose is to empower Men & Women both who are in abusive relationships (Yes women batter men also).